The Hook Up is a weekly relationship advice column from MTV Act and the It’s Your (Sex) Life campaign, written by the very talented Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid.
From the awkward to the complicated to the down-right-adorable, these girls have you covered. To submit your question about love, lust or anything in between, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. We’d love to hear from you, and your question could be chosen for a future column! Plus, the first 30 people get free MTV Act shirts. FYI, in case you’re a little shy, all questions can be anonymous.
"For the longest time, I wasn't allowed to date. Now it's my 2nd year in college and OBVIOUSLY it's my choice if I want to. And I do! But I have no idea where to start! If I like a guy, I don't know how to move our friendly relationship to something more. And also, a lot of college guys are expecting a very physical relationship that I'm nowhere near ready for. In short, How do i jump into the dating scene?" -Sabrina
I'm one of those people who can't be bothered to make the first move. It's like... IF YOU LIKE ME YOU'LL ASK ME OUT. You know? I just... you guys... I tried to sound real cool right then, but truth is I'm wayyyy to nervous to say anything to anyone about any kind of liking or dating. So, I take it slow, return the flirts, laugh at their jokes, and wait patiently.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE LIKE ME THOUGH, you can absolutely put yourself out there a little more. Start small, invite them to parties/shows/events, ask them to study with you, hang out in groups. Then start to text them a little more and get your flirt on, you'll be able to tell if they like you back bc they will return the FLIRTZ and TEXTZ. THEN YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE LEAP, just ask them out, worst case scenario they say 'no' and you move on with your life. A lot of us are so scared of rejection, but YOU GUYS... you don't wanna date someone who doesn't wanna date you, ya know?
When it comes to sexitimes, be clear about what you're no okay with, if y'all are making out and your boo tries to get TOO FRISKY just say 'hey, i'd like to take it a little slower.' As a relationship progresses you always learn about your boo's experiences and whether or not they're ready for sexi-things. It might be awkward at first if you're both on different levels of sexi-readiness, but if booboo really likes you, they're not going to mind waiting until you're ready. That's what you want, you know? A boo who will treat you right, respect your decisions, and give you presents.
I am very different from Dannielle, and I usually approach things from a place of, "might as well be myself, find out if they are into me, and move on from there." I don't like wasting time, and I know that there are people in the world who will be like HELL YEAH KRISTIN LET'S DO THIS, and people in the world who will be like YOU ARE NOT MY TYPE SORRYYYY BYEEEEE. Obviously, I prefer the former... but it's life and some people just don't understand this particular brand of greatness, you know?!
I'm mostly joking about the greatness part, but in all honesty - we are all totally great and awesome humans and we just don't always fit together. That isn't a reflection on who we are, and the more you can grasp that, the easier it will be to take the risk in the first place.
SO. How do you jump in? Depends on you and what you do and how you do it, but most of the time - just try to be social and to get involved. Go to parties or book clubs or sports events or math league meetups - just do things that interest you. Make eye contact, ask questions, and be yourself. If you like someone, follow Dannielle's advice of slow and steady "getting to know you" moves, and then say to yourself I AM A HUMAN AND I AM A GOOD HUMAN AND I AM GOING TO JUST MAKE MYSELF KNOWN. Ask the person to coffee or to see a movie or to grab dinner. They say yes? Great. They say no? Move along to the next human-crush!
The same advice applies to sexi-time. Be you, stick with what you want and what you need and what you are ready for - any person who respects you will respect those things about you and move at a pace that makes you both comfortable.
"I know I’m into guys and have always liked dating them but when I fanaticize I picture girls for some reason. What does that mean, so confusing" –E
Listen, I 100% want to make out with Channing Tatum. HOWEVER, if Channing Tatum came up to me and said "Dannielle, will you make out with me" I WOULD SQUEAL... and run, and turn bright red from embarrassment and giggle for at least thirty minutes. Then two days later I would bring it up and everyone would be like "Dannielle, shut up, you've been talking about that for two days."
My point here is only to say that attraction and fantisization are not mutally exclusive... Also, fantisization is not a word... I just made it up, someone give me a million dollars.
If you're seeing something in your head that makes you all googley inside, but does not interest you IN THE LEAST on the outside, you're totally fine. HOWEVER, if you're seeing stuff in your head and you're like 'omg i juuuust wanna make out with a girl, but i'm not supposed to want that so i'm going to pretend i don't' then just SCREW IT and make out with a girl. It's like, maybe you'll hate it, maybe you'll like it, who knows. If it isn't bothering you, and you have no LEGIT interest in making out with a girl, know that you are totally normal, fantisizations are totally okay and you are not weird, promise.
**don't worry guys, I know the word 'fantasies' but i don't like words that i didn't make up**
In my humble opinion (AKA IMHO), there are two types of fantasies:
1) "In my head it's the sexiest thing but in the sheets it's BAHAHAHAHAHA TOTALLY NOT SEXY STOP IT HAHAHA" Fantasy (which I will refer to as the BAHAHA Fantasy), and
2) "In my head it's the sexiest thing and OMG I cannot stop thinking about it until I do it" Fantasy (which I will refer to as the DOITNOW Fantasy).
I find that the BAHAHA Fantasy is much more common, and that is totally normal and awesome and wonderful. I can fantasize that I am a boy while totally doin' it with someone without any interest in actually having a CRACKERJACK, if you know what I mean. You can fantasize about what it would be like to kiss a girl mouth without necessarily wanting to actually kiss a girl mouth. That is the most fun part about fantasy - you can literally do whatever you want, think whatever you want, and have fun in whatever way you want without it having to inform your behavior outside of the bedroom.
If you are having the DOITNOW Fantasy where you simply know you won't stop thinking about it until you actually DOIT, then, like Dannielle said, go on and getcha some. Make out with a girl! WHY NOT?! Then you will either be like HAHAHA THAT WAS TOTALLY NOT SEXY BUT HAHAHAHA (reverting it to the BAHAHA Fantasy categorization), or you will be like HOLY SHIT I HAVE BEEN MISSING OUT MY WHOLE LIFE, and then you can make out with more girls and start reading everyoneisgay.com.
Kristin Russo and Dannielle Owens-Reid are the co-creators of Everyone is Gay, a website and organization promoting kindness between all people, regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity. The views expressed in these blog posts are the viewsof the authors alone, and do not necessarily reflect the views of MTV, KFF or the It’s Your Sex Life campaign.
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