Obama is a hottie, as far as presidents are concerned. If I could travel decades back in time and date him in his pre-Michelle hipster phase, you know I would! From the pickup lines to the long-term, here’s what I think it would be like to date our President...and a bunch of other U.S. Politicians:
+ Barack Obama: U.S. President. The Romantic.
The meeting place: An Al Green concert.
The Pickup line: “I just saw who you're dating, and um, you need change.”
The Relationship: Obama’s the kind of guy who would slow dance with you in your living room. He loves his slow jams. If you ever find yourself married with kids and one of those kids happens to be gay, Obama will be totally cool with it. Boyfriends often make promises they can’t keep, and sometimes, so does the President of the United States. (He only does it because he wants you to love him!) Judging by Obama’s multiple pledges but lack of action on the environmental front, he will probably plan a lot of cute outdoorsy dates, only to flake on the majority of them. To be fair, though, most boyfriends don’t need their every move okayed by Congress.
Your last boyfriend was kind of a doozey, and Obama will spend a lot of time trying to clean up his mess. Try not to blame Obama for struggling to lift the baggage your ex left behind, but do hold him accountable when it comes to his own promises. One kept promise you should be happy about is the fact that your new boyfriend, Obama, has agreed to pay your medical bills until you’re 26. Sweet! My ex boyfriend wouldn’t even pay for a roast beef and cheddar combo at Arby’s. “You can get the sandwich, but not fries and a drink.” HAH.
+ Sarah Palin: 9th Governor of Alaska. The Maverick.
The meeting place: Lookout Point. You know, that beautiful place in Alaska from which you can see Russia. It’s where all the kids go to make out in their cars.
The pickup line: “Ever make out with a maverick?”
The Relationship: Sarah Palin endorses the Tea Party, and so your first date will be at one. As you sip on Earl Grey and discuss gun safety and her distaste for same-sex marriages, you will admire her exquisite beauty. “You are even more beautiful than a pitbull in lipstick,” you will say. As you kiss her goodnight on her doorstep, a moose will walk by. She’ll shoot it. The best thing about dating Sarah Palin is you never have to pay for dinner.
+ Mitt Romney: 70th Governor of Massachusetts. The Good Boy.
The meeting place: Romney once spent 30 months in France as a Mormon missionary, so chances are, you’ll meet this good boy at church.
The pickup line: “Let’s not have sex tonight.”
The Relationship: Mitt’s a supporter of abstinence-only sex education, so there will be absolutely no funny business on the first date. But that’s okay. We all have differing opinions when it comes to sex, and Mitt believes that kids simply shouldn’t be having sex at all. Good boys are an endangered species here in Los Angeles, so running into a guy who doesn’t wanna do the dirty would actually be pretty refreshing! Mitt is a skilled banker and a logical dude who approaches everything as he would a business deal. I’m pretty sure this means he will pay for dinner. (After you’ve done the calculated, “I’m only looking for my money for as long as it takes for you to offer to pay” purse rustle. Yes boys. Girls do this.) Mitt’s a man’s man; there probably won’t be any slow jam make out sessions, but there will be swanky rooftop dinners and a hunting excursion or two. Speaking of the rooftop, Mitt miiiight put your dog on it. All in good fun, of course.
+ Hillary Clinton: Former First Lady. Current U.S. Secretary of State. Wearer of the pants.
The meeting place: Hillary is a busy gal, and like many older working women, she has recently turned to online dating. You met her on Myspace, and instantly knew she would someday become the First Lady in your Top 8.
The pickup line: “Whaddup Hilz?”
The Relationship: Her last guy kinda screwed her over, so you’ll have to work extra hard to earn Hillary’s trust. She’s super into energy conservation, so turn the T.V. off when you leave the house unless you wanna answer to this face. And hide your video games, ‘cause she’s so not into that. She believes that women are the key to economic growth, stating that they “are the great untapped resource that can help the global economy recover and expand.” In other worlds, mandatory foot rubs when she gets home from the office. It’ll all be worth it, though, because Hilz will totally be your sugar mama.
+ John Boehner: Speaker of the House. Puppy dog eyes.
The meeting place: His family’s bar in Cincinnati, which he started working at the age of eight!
The pickup line: As Speaker of the House of Representatives, everything John Boehner says is a pickup line. But if I were him, I’d totally go for, “Would you like to see my Boehner?” (It's pronounced BAY-ner, silly.)
The Relationship: Boehner is the second of 12 children, so if you’re not into cooking, you’ll probably want to have Thanksgiving dinner catered. Boehner is a conservative who voted against the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal Act of 2010, and for the Federal Marriage Amendment, which would have limited marriage in the U.S. to unions of one man and one woman. Boehner’s best boyfriend quality? He’s a great listener! The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review once praised Boehner’s listening abilities. He also has baby blue, puppy dog eyes that scream out, “Trust me!” My ex had these, and thus got away with everything.
If you had to choose, which politician would you date? Let us know in the comments section below.
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