Abe Lincoln was the 16th President of the United States, serving from 1861 until his unfortunate assassination in 1865. Abe is known as a strong opponent of slavery, the commander and chief during the Civil War, the originator of the hipster beard, and…a vampire killer?? Well, at least according to 20th Century Fox, whose new movie “Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” depicts the lead singer of The Black Keys president’s secret life saving the nation from bloodthirsty vamps. In the spirit of Abe’s new movie, out tomorrow (June 22), we’ve decided to reveal a few of our other presidents’ secret identities!
+ George Washington: 1st President of the United States. Zombie Killer.
When he was 6-years-old George took an axe to his father’s prized cherry tree. When his father discovered the tree and asked who chopped it, George confessed, “I cannot tell a lie, father. It was I.” But he could tell a lie, for he neglected to mention that he hit the cherry tree while swinging at a zombie! George went on to lead the Americans to victory over Great Britain in the American Revolutionary War. During his Presidency, the dead Brits came back, and — using that same axe — he saved our nation from the first zombie apocalypse. We’d expect nothing less from the “Father of our country.”
+ Barack Obama: 44th President of the United States. Jedi.
Obama hasn’t done a very good job keeping his Jedi status on the DL. From wielding a light saber in public to his unusually quick reflexes (remember the fly swat?), we’re pretty sure his “Hawaiian upbringing” is just a cover up for his time spent at the Jedi Academy. And Donald Trump — if you’re reading this — the Academy may be in a galaxy far, far away, but Obama’s birth certificate is still very much American! Obama recently announced that, if reelected, he will use The Force to grant work permits to illegal immigrants who came to the States as children and have since led productive, law-abiding lives.
+ Mitt Romney: Republican Presidential Candidate. Captain America Hopeful.
Chris Evans may have played Captain America in the first movie, but Romney’s gunnin’ for the sequel. Mitt has a lot in common with the patriotic superhero. First off, it’s not often politicians are this physically fit. His references to “America’s superpowers” are also something one would expect from the Cap’n. Romney recently announced that, if elected, he would allot 25 billion federal dollars to kindergarten through 12th graders, allowing them to attend any school of their choosing. You could say he’s making each student the captain of his or her own education! Come November, do you hope Romney will be promoted to Captain America…or demoted to Captain Crunch?
+ Martin Van Buren: 8th President of the United States. Wizard.
With that hair, there is no way this guy wasn’t a wizard! Van Buren’s administration was characterized chiefly by the economic hardship of the time, known as the Panic of 1837. Perhaps he couldn’t focus on the economy because he had too much on his plate. Running a nation and being the headmaster of Hogwarts is a lot for one man to handle!
+ William Howard Taft: 27th President of the United States. Pirate.
Taft cleaned up nicely when he made the switch from Pirate to President…but he forgot one thing: his mustache. Unlike most pirates, Taft was all about sharing his treasure. He provided U.S. assistance in the expansion of the Chinese railroad industry, and gave Argentina a series of loans to purchase its very own pirate ships battleships. Taft wasn’t the only Pirate in office! Both Teddy Roosevelt and his distant cousin, FDR, were swashbucklers as well. Teddy rocked the dirty pirate ‘stache, while Franklin rocked a peg leg…well, not according to him, but we all know polio wasn’t the reaaaal reason he was in that wheelchair!
+ James Polk: 11th President of the United States. Vampire.
A picture says a thousand words, and this one says that President Polk was a straight-up vampire. Polk probably counted his lucky stars when Abe Lincoln was assassinated. In fact, $10 says he hired Abe’s assassin, John Wilkes Booth. Polk was president during the Mexican-American War, which gave the U.S. most of the Southwest. He also oversaw the issuance of the first U.S. postage stamps. Few things can kill a vampire: sunlight, decapitation, a stake through the heart, and…cholera?? Which is what unfortunately killed Polk, just 3 months after his first term ended.
Check out Polk’s sworn enemy, “Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” in theaters tomorrow, and get involved with the 2012 U.S. presidential election by taking action below. This has been another MTV Act and Power of 12 lesson in U.S. History!
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